In the Dog House – on the Rooftop – off to the Desert

Part One: Nagging 101

Years ago my wife and I were driving through an area in North Texas where there were several “farms” which had a variety of animals. As we were going down the road, my wife was pointing out the various animals and calling them by name. “Cow, cow, cow.” “Chicken, Chicken, Rooster.” “Duck, Duck…” and then I decided to chime in “Goose.” I was making an ill-attempt at interjecting a bit of humor by referencing the childhood game “Duck, Duck, Goose.” My wife informed me immediately that it was her intention to educate our children about farm animals. My comments were not helping her. She did not mind me joining in the game but did not appreciate my manner of doing so. I said, “okay, okay, I am sorry. I will try to join in a way to help teach the family.” Just then we drove by a field full of horses. Pointing at them one by one I said, “Nag, nag, nag, nag” and then looking over at Beverley and pointing with my thumb back to myself I added “Stallion.” At that point it was “Game Over.” I would like to say I won. But from the feedback I received, I will have to admit that I did not.

History of Nagging

A nagging wife is no laughing matter or a game to win. Not that my wife was really being a nag that day. Yet nagging has been a problem for marriages for many millennia. Jacob is mentioned at being angered by the nagging of his wife Rachel, who was jealous of her sister Leah “give me children or I die!” (Genesis 30:1-2).

Samson in Judges chapters 14 and 16 was nagged by two different women whom he loved. First, was Samson’s Philistine wife who wanted him to tell her the riddle he posed to the Philistines. The Philistines came to Samson’s wife and demanded she get the answer out her husband or else. “Then Samson’s wife wept on him, and said, ‘You only hate me! You do not love me! You have posed a riddle to the sons of my people, but you have not explained it to me…Now she had wept on him the seven days while their feast lasted. And it happened on the seventh day that he told her, because she pressed him so much” (Judges 14:16,17). Later, Delilah continually badgered Samson to tell her the source of his great physical strength. When he relented and told her it was his seven locks of hair, it resulted in Samson being taken prisoner by the Philistines and having his eyes put out. “So Delilah said to Samson, ‘Please tell me where your great strength lies, and with what you may be bound to afflict you.’ …And it came to pass, when she pestered him daily with her words and pressed him, so that his soul was vexed to death” (Judges 16:6, 16), Delilah nagged Samson until he broke.

Solomon had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines (1 Kings 11:3). He spoke more on quarrelsome wives than anyone else in the Bible. I find it interesting that a man who had hundreds of wives – felt the need to comment on the contentious and quarrelsome ones. He wrote, “better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman” (Proverbs 21:9). (The same statement is again recorded in Proverbs 25:24). “Better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman” (Proverbs 21:19). “A foolish son is the ruin of his father, and the contentions of a wife are a continual dripping” (Proverbs 19:13). Houses back in Bible days had flat roofs. It was actually common for men to take a mat and relax or take a nap on the rooftop. A man could take his chances with wind and rain on the roof because sometimes it’s better than the tempest within the four walls. If you had a choice between living in a King’s palace or living in the corner on a roof, which would you choose? Solomon says the choice depends on whether or not you are living with a contentious wife.

The ancient problem of a quarrelsome wife continues today. The gripping and whining and grumbling that is done against husbands by wives continues to drive husbands away. Some people do not even know they are nagging. Many would honestly proclaim, “I am just trying to help my husband.” Even in good health marriages their can be nagging. And although it is a problem mostly associated with wives both in the Bible and modern life, some husbands have been known to master the art as well.

Just for a moment let us come to terms with the various terms used. The Hebrew word “quarrelsome” appears more often in Proverbs than any other book of the Bible. It is associated with the terms nagging or the concept of a hen-pecked husband or bossy wife. The term also involves the idea of being contentious and engaging in words which lead to strife or dissension.

Stages of Nagging

During the early months or years of marriage a couple will seem happy and mutually supportive. The wife has little she is willing to complain about and the husband finds her comments to be cute and loving and in no way nagging or annoying. Slowly the wife will recognize that her husband is not the perfect model of a man she once thought he was. She will at first make a few complaints which are delivered and a loving and respectful manner. Before long she feels he is not listening, because he is not changing. So her tone and words become more and more quarrelsome. She resents being ignored. She feels she is also important to the marriage and has ideas of her own. From time to time the fights will result in apologies and making up. Since he is not listening, her frustrations begin to grow to the point that he starts calling upon others (like her girlfriends and mother) to complain. They often do not support her in finding more godly and loving ways to communicate with her husband and so she feels justified in nagging him. Soon everything he says, every decision he makes, and every trivial problem becomes a quarrel. He may try to argue back. This does not work, because he is the one with the problem not her. He would like it if she would just forgive and forget, but she just wants him to take her seriously and remember. He may give her the silent treatment, but this only proves he never listens. He may try to run away and spend more time at work or with his friends. This only infuriates her more and adds fuel to the fire. If the man does not move out, things may come to physical blows. Marriage counseling may or may not have helped. If not, divorce is seen as the only solution to this incompatible relationship.

Dangers of Nagging

One of the dangers of a quarrelsome wife is the destruction of the husband’s well-being. “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones” (Proverbs 12:4) “…and the quarrelsome wife is like the constant dripping of a leaky roof” (Proverbs 19:13). Nagging can ruin a marriage like the constant drip of water can wear down even the hardest rock. Drip, Drip, Drip… Hearing that sound over and over again especially in the quiet of the night can drive just about anyone nuts. Tony Capoccia said, “a quarrelsome wife is one who argues and complains about things to the point where she can cause a person to go crazy.” Some husbands have been driven to depression, nervous breakdowns, severe anxiety, and even suicide.

“The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hand” (Proverbs 14:1). And a quarrelsome wife will destroy her home with her mouth. Homes are being destroyed by the strife which results. Children become innocent by-standards who are victimized by the ugliness they witness between mom and dad. Not only does the continual dripping erode away the very foundations of the family, it takes down the walls, the marriage bed, the checking account, the literal care of the house, the needs of the children, etc.

In time a husband may be driven from the home. Or she may be constantly running home to mom and dad for support from them and safety from a neglectful or emotionally abusive husband.

– Daniel R. Vess