In the Dog House – on the Rooftop – off to the Desert

Part Three: Advice to the Hen-Pecked Husband

One Sunday morning my wife, Beverley, and I were going to Racetrack to get breakfast on the way to church. As I carelessly pulled in I was heading straight for a police cruiser. We both moved our cars out of each other’s path just in time to avoid a head on collision. The police car just drove on and I parked. Why the officer did not arrest me for reckless driving, I do not know. But, I soon wish she had. Their neglect was a form of cruel police brutality. My wife gave me quite the lecture on how to drive. “What are you doing? Couldn’t you even see a police car coming straight at us? Are you trying to get us killed…?” I deserved it. So I took it. When there was finally a lull in the rebuke I quietly said. “Look at the bright side. If you are going to have a wreck on Sunday morning why not have it with a police officer then you do not have to call and wait for the police to show up. They are right there to fill out the report. We could have still made it to church on time.” She just turned away in her seat and said, “I am not talking to you anymore.” I turned opened my door, stood up and whispered, “Wow! Thank you Lord.” All while doing a little victory dance in my head.

Not that I was be nagged in the above story, but just how is a husband who is being nagged by his wife to respond to the situation?

Do Not Fight Fire With Fire

“Where there is no wood, the fire goes out…” (Proverbs 26:20). If you want the fire to go out stop putting logs in the fireplace. Husbands, do not fuel the fires of strife between you and your wife by continuing to add to the argument. She may like to make mountains out of mole hills. But, husbands do not need to give their wives dirt to make it any higher.

Do Not Ignore Her or Give Her the Silent Treatment

Some husbands give their wife the silent treatment. This does not always work. In fact it most likely will enrage her. This makes the wife think that her husband is unwilling to listen to her concerns and is not willing to receive help from her.

Do Not Run Away

Some women need to be run from, but wives do not need to be deserted in the heat of battle. If the fight escalates there may be a need for a time out for things to cool down.

Take Every Complaint Seriously

“A continual dripping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike; whoever restrains her restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand” (Proverbs 27:15-16). It may mean the husband is attempting to ward off arguments by steering conversations away from touchy topics. But such efforts are futile. You cannot keep the wind from blowing; you cannot pick up oil that has spilled; and you cannot prevent a wife from speaking her mind.

Stay Calm

“The beginning of strife is like releasing water; therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts” (Proverbs 17:14). This verse counsels us to abandon such a dispute before it breaks out. As a husband, you should address every complaint your wife makes with patience and kindness. Try to calm down. In the heat of the moment, you might feel like the nagging is impossible to deal with, but most wives cannot keep this up forever. Remember, anger and hurt can have negative effects on your mental and physical health.

Acknowledge Her Feelings

Try to temporarily look past her inappropriate way of expressing herself, and try to deal with any legitimate complaint in a respectful way. Jesus put “nagging” in a somewhat better light in his parable of the woman who had a legal case pending before a judge who was known to be unrighteous (Luke 18:1-8). Husbands, look for the positive. At least she cares and is willing to express herself. Try to understand her anger, frustration, and worries.

Let Her Vent

One husband occasionally lets his wife lambaste him for about two hours, because he knows that she will be in a much better mood when it’s all over. By expressing their displeasure with intensity, at least they are letting off steam, and once in a while they get their husband’s attention.

Listen

Some wives have come to believe that nagging is the only way to get attention. Husbands, need to respond in such a way as to convey that they are listening and there is no need for nagging. “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath” (James 1:19). “In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise” (Proverbs 10:19) Listen carefully by maintaining eye contact and making gestures such as nodding.

Define the Problem

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, “What are the grounds for your divorce?” She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property.” “I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?” She answered, “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.” He said, “Do you have a real grudge?” “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.” “Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?” Again she answered, “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is ‘yes’.” “Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?” asked the judge. “Yes,” she responded, “most days he gets up earlier than I do.” Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?” “Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I never wanted a divorce. It’s my husband. He says he can’t communicate with me.”

What is the real problem? Is she really mad you did not remember to take out the trash or is it that you forgot her birthday? Re-frame the issue in a question. You might say, “I hear you saying I’m always too busy to take out the trash. Is it possible that you feel I’m too busy to make time for you?”

Prioritize

When a couple fails to resolve their conflicts the right way, conflicts tend to pile up. And resentment also piles up. Focus on the three that top her list, And you might want to lower your expectations and rearrange your priorities.

Negotiate a Resolution

Equipped with a better understanding of the issue, couples can give each other ideas that might work. As possible resolutions come to mind write them down. Offer to negotiate a compromise with your spouse.. You could say, “I’ll be happy to take out the trash, but the minute I get home from work is not a good time for me. I’ll start taking it out in the morning instead.” Insist on change to improve relationship, just as nagging is insisting on a change.

Give a Soft Answer

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). Being heard means that your wife is taking in what you are saying, understanding it, and acting on it. Tone of voice and mannerisms when asking are also important.

Know When to Walk Away

Do not let the argument escalate to the point of screaming in front of the kids and letting it become physical. You can say, “I am going to take a walk to calm down. Your words are hurtful.” Know when to walk away and know when to run.

Remember She is a Gift

Your wife is the most important earthly relationship you have. Do not under value it even when quarrels come. “Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies. The heart of her husband safely trusts her; So he will have no lack of gain” (Proverbs 31:10-11). “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22). Since God brought Eve to Adam wives have been God’s gift to all husbands.

Assume Good Intentions

“Love believes all things” (1 Cor. 13:7). No love is not gullible. Love looks for the best motive and would rather believe those are the good intentions behind the contention.

Young men, prevention is better than cure. Be careful who you marry. Do not become the type of husband who has to be nagged by his wife. Finally, seek counseling if the problem persists. Always remember: “Happy wife, happy life.”

– Daniel R. Vess

2020-09-13 - In the Dog House - On the Rooftop - Off to the Desert (Part 2)
2020-09-27 - Proverbs on Leadership
Categories: The Forum